No offence taken. Father Coyle always winds me up about it. Loves to mention it to new teachers. Thinks its hilarious. You’re probably too young to even know who John McEnroe is? Because it was his catchphrase. Yeah, he’s a former tennis great. Ok, listening?

So I’m the Physical Education teacher. The tracksuit might have given that away. Seriously love my job, every day a pleasure. This particular Monday afternoon during a free session I decided to do a really rigorous stretch routine in the sports hall. Not particularly unusual for me. I’ve a real dodgy hip from an old injury. I loosened the entire body from abdomen down before working on the muscles surrounding the hip joint itself. My physiotherapist advised placing a textured foam roller, or something circular to give a similar effect, between the floor and the affected muscle. Then you press down hard to achieve some deep tissue massage. It’s effective but agonising.

Then I heard sneering of the next class group assembling. I glanced up to see Lauren H – I won’t say her name, recording me. I stepped up and challenged her and she quickly lowered the phone – I even got her to delete the footage. In my naivety I thought no more about it. Never noticed anyone else recording. Big mistake.

I was home watching Sports Night when the phone pinged. One of my colleagues said a concerned parent sent it to him. The video starts off with me poised a few inches from the ground, face down and propped on toes and elbows. Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” as background music. The video shows my hips and buttocks rotating rhythmically inches from the ground for about half a minute. You can hear me groan every time my rump presses downwards into the affected tissue. You’re smirking. You’ve clearly a dirty mind. I have to admit the video looks perverse. Makes me cringe just thinking about it.

Good question.

It all happened in the big sports hall with the public viewing gallery above. Minimum privacy. Totally the last place you’d do something weird. Next I’m approaching this pretty senior student with a phone in her hand. My face is red and flushed. That’s not the sinker. It’s the big lump protruding from the front of my tracksuit bottoms. The tennis ball, where I positioned it, between my underpants and my upper leg / hip for maximum hit. Couldn’t find a foam roller so just used the tennis ball. And totally forgot about it when I stood up. Parent teacher meeting a few weeks later was awkward I can tell you.

And every time I tried to explain my version of the story?

Yep. You got it first time.

“You cannot be serious….”