– Me head’s tormented.
– G’wan. A load shared is a load halved.
– So the-
– Don’t give me the heavy end.
– Ok, so the wee girl wants a turtle.
– Molly?
– Yeah.
– Ninja turtle?
– Shut up. Standard turtle. Size ov’ a plate.
– My lads loved reptiles – ‘specially salamanders.
– An’ she won’t take no for an answer.
– … and what…?

– She’s not getting a turtle that’s what.
– Grand. Problem solved.
– Na. Catríona’s like, “It’s up to your Dad, I’m happy to get a turtle”.
– Oh, Catríona likes it dirty.
– Fuck off. So Molly keeps asking. An’ sending me videos ov’ turtles on skateboards –
– Molly’s no dozer.
– An’ turtles with sunglasses. Turtles with kittens on their backs.
– Inventive!
– Turtles going down waterslides. Turtles sitting on top of-
– I get ye, turtles. Lots of turtles. But to be honest, I’m with Molly on this.
– Fuck off ye turncoat.
– Listen lad. No harm in a turtle. In the grand scheme of things.
– Wasn’t much harm in the fifteen goldfish that got flushed out to sea.
– Ah. There’s history.
– A lot. The budgie choked on jelly babies. A hawk nailed the kitten.
– Suddenly goldfishy likes floating?
– Bingo. An’ budgie don’t fly so far. Weeping ‘n grinding of teeth every time…
– So what you’re saying is enough is enough. And that you need a top tip to shut this debate down.
– Exactly.
– Time to put an end to turtle shite talk. For once and for all.
– Word brother! Hit me.
– Promise her a puppy.