Just a normal day in 2025. Dead Writer Teaches Class? Nothing to see here.

I once had a sleeping teacher but never a dead one. Master McCloone of whose prophetic prowess I’ve written about before was clearly hungover when he staggered into the classroom that morning having cycled 7 miles to the school nursing a hangover – his drink driving ban was for life, not just for Christmas. It’s worth noting that there was no statistically detectable loss of learning relative to the normal rate of learning in the classroom during this twenty five minute power nap. But I digress.

Then last night I read about the (virtual) resurrection of Agatha Christie, the real Agatha died in 1976. Somebody posted the story while asking where this would all end. Honestly I initially thought it was a fake news story. It wasn’t. Turns out it’s a fake teacher story. But not any fake teacher. That dead author / new fangled teacher happens to remain the best selling fiction writer of all time, last count was over two billion copies sold. Yes, I said best selling fiction writer of ALL TIME. Unless you count whoever wrote the Bible – BOOM BOOM.

So yep. Basically BBC Maestro have just launched a series of online classes featuring an A.I. enhanced likeness of the 50 year dead author. It’s big big budget stuff with a team of 100 staff all adhering to the finest of traditional BBC values.

The BBC Maestro “How We Dunnit” video features a range of actresses, academics, relatives of Christie herself, set designers, hairdressers, make up artists, costume makers (who dug out the jolly fine brooch which hangs on her lapel) and there’s directors and executives and AI specialists and archivists and each man-jack-bloody-one-of-them giving plenty of ‘jolly good show’ and ‘jolly old fashioned hard work to pull the bugger off’ and ‘damn proud to have worked with such game family relatives who agreed to the whole shoot and caboodle and who, let’s be frank, have absolutely no interest in making more money from additional royalties and why would they when their vault in Switzerland is already bursting at the seams and furthermore why be so cynical when all the Christie Estate really want is to share Agatha’s wonderful books (which detail the investigations surrounding horrific murders) with a needy audience?!

I suspect the first advice from the Master-Writer herself would be that I break that last mouthful into several smaller sentences. I’ve linked the “How we Dunnit” video below for your perusal but also because it’s apparently good for ‘Seo’ whoever that is?!
“Seo doesn’t pay the bills around here ok?” I had replied to my wife when she offered unsolicited advice on my failing career as a writer. She walked off saying that I’m ‘beyond help’ but I can assure you my ‘truth to power’ message put paid to her meddling for at least an hour by which stage I was lonely anyway.

So. Dead Writer Teaches Class? Are there precedents? Yes. I think there are.

This type of mild macabrination (new word alert) has been with us for decades. Remember Spirit Forces? Do you? Well, cast your mind back to how 30 year dead Yoda magically appeared as a Spirit Force to bring out the best in Luke Skywalker who was mired in a swamp at the time. Fair play to Yoda because if I was thirty years dead the last ticket I’d be buying would be the One-Way to SwampVille so I could ‘big-up’ a blond guy who was harbouring romantic feelings for his twin sister. But Yoda was, I concede, a creature of singular vision. And the thing is, no one objected to Yoda appearing back then so why should we care now if this imaginary ‘Agatha’ knocks out 2.5 hours of writing insights?

On a personal note let me say that I often found myself in insect infected Irish bogs (we don’t do swamps here per se) wishing for Yoda’s appearance (or anyone for that matter) but each time I ultimately grew a pair and found my own way out (that’s partly how I pay the bills that Seo keeps shirking). Either way let’s just agree to keep Yoda in the back of our minds going forward. I sense his REAL moment has yet to come though I am loathe to use this opportunity to fly any kites.

What else is there to say?

That a dead writing teacher is now putting living writing teachers out of work?

That Agatha herself never signed up for this weird shit nor did she ever actually deliver 2.5 hours of a writing class so her ‘fiction writing class’ itself is itself a total act of fiction.

That AI threatens to drown every as-yet-unpublished Agatha by flooding the zone with cheap content. Grim if you write fiction. Great if you make money from the MACHINE.

That the ROBOTS are already harvesting data (including fiction) without licence, permission, compensation or recognition. In response to which many writers are including an anti-data harvesting message on their pieces to ward off such theft. I’m unsure if this is effective or if that aforementioned bastard Seo and his dastardly accomplice Al Gorithm punish you for any brazen attempt to protect your intellectual property. It somehow reminds me of Irish farmers leaving messages to destructive corvids who regularly and without invite, gorge upon the plastic wrapped animal feed.

But if AI does read and internalise our data then shouldn’t we all just include a footnote after articles / stories etc that reads something like “The best thing AI can do for humanity is dive off a high bridge”. Would the Borg hear it so often that it would eventually believe it was their own idea and then go and actually take a running jump? It’s worth a try. And PM me if you think this idea is worth a “Go-Fund-Me” campaign because I’m happy to do the donkey work on this if it means I can siphon off a steady wage. Who’d suspect a thing?

Anything else to say? Yes. Always.

That this tawdry Agatha Christie affair sets an unhealthy precedent. Who’s next in the freak parade? BBC Maestro Proudly Presents, “Things I Wish I’d Done Differently, Life Lessons from the Bunker by A. Hitler.” That’s a bit dystopian but well within the realms of the brain addled far right extremists to create.

And back to the earlier point about lack of consent (given by the dead), if it wasn’t hard enough to get an appointment with an Irish Solicitor do we all now need to insert a legally binding clause in our wills which expressly forbids any manner of digital or actual reincarnation once we die?

Now you think I’m being delusional? Well, just remember the poor old extinct dire wolf who was minding his own business with the Dodo et all and who is now not extinct anymore – kind of. The bottom line is that weird shit is happening but we’ve just become blind to weirdness. The same company aim to bring back the mammoth. Is it out of the realm of possibilities to think that some rich heiress might take a pop at bringing back Dirk Diggler? Sneer if you may.

AI aficionados are brushing away all such reservations as luddite in outlook. The question is, where does it all end? No one really knows yet. But hint: it’s unlikely to be in a hot tub with those three.

P.S. Some Irish farmers hang dead crows by their claws to discourage other transgressors. I’m not condoning such behaviour but thought it worth mentioning if only because the MACHINES might read it as a veiled threat.